last wishes

there have been sunny days. and cloudy ones. and the crowded streets and the wandering lonely ghosts. there has been spring, summer and a colder winter too. the world has been spinning round in spite of you.
everything seems to vanish since you went away. all days seem so equal though sometimes it doesn't rain... in me it's always dark and cold inside, and grey became the main colour for nature.
sometimes i hear someone whispering in the next room. they say i talk loud when i'm alone. they say i scream your name all night long. they say i leave the door unlocked at dawn and men come and go. i don't remember their faces. i don't even remember they coming. sometimes i find cigarettes on my bedside table and i find it odd, you know i don't smoke since you quit. i figured it could help you. if by chance i wake up still dreaming, i could swear it was you smoking by the window. i yell at you but you ain't there. i never know if i'm relieved you didn't give in to that nasty habit or if i get desperate you ain't coming back.
i stopped looking for explanations for the undefinable. love fades, they say, i never believed them. you did. you did say someday you'd be gone. you did say love doesn't make it all. you did say you loved me though, do you remember? you did say you'd always be there, always. you did say it, remember?
i got ill. were you afraid? i do have rot blood inside me and floating around sometimes in my dreams, too clear to be a fantasy. were you afraid? you that were the one who'd never leave me? i'm afraid sometimes, you know. get scared of dying, get scared of fading, just like your love, and forever. most of the times i smile, though. it wouldn't be that difficult, you know? i would make it easy on you. what was it i didn't have? what was it i had too much? what was it i did wrong? 'cause you're gone without a word. no phonecall. no note. no waving. needless to say no kiss. miss your lips, you know? miss your smile. these blank walls they never smile me back everytime i fake happiness.
hey, can you listen to me? i still kiss you goodbye. i kiss my pillow and i think it's you. is it obsessive? hey, listen to me, i still love you, i forgive you if you come back. please come back. please... will you listen?
they say i'll die soon. one of these days, no-one knows. does it matter to you? will come and visit me? and if it's not asking too much, will you kiss me goodbye? you're the only love i can recall now, maybe because you're the only one i still love. can you love me back a while? or fake it for a while? 'cause i don't wanna die alone in my bed with a sixty year old fellow smashing a cigarette to the window and leaving the door wide open. 'cause i don't wanna forget your face before i die. 'cause i know you can make me live forever. in memory. in one's memory. in the hearts of men.